@hhChoooo… who sneezed?!?!

The breakthrough weekend was more than just a retreat for me.

For the last three weeks, God has been tugging at my heart and brought me to a point of desperation in my spiritual condition. I saw the filth and the wretchedness of my soul. And I wanted to change.

There at the breakthrough weekend, I surrendered it all, I made fresh commitments. An altar was erected. Offerings were placed. I believe with the most sincere heart, I truly surrendered it all to God.

This morning, I pondered over the erected altar, is the offering still there? Or have I taken it back? Have I given a false surrender?

So what is a false surrender?
Ever surrendered something to God, only to find yourself thinking, “if I surrender this to God, then he will bless me with something greater?” or “If I surrender it to Him, God will give it back” Many times I surrender something to God, I harbour other hopes or possibilities of how God will give back. Just like for Abraham when he was ready to sacrifice Isaac upon the altar…

I think we have the unfortunate problem of hindsight in this case. We know God stopped Abraham from sacrificing Isaac (Whom Abraham LOVED dearly-Gen 22:2). And God provided an alternative sacrifice. We then view surrender as a cause-effect situation. Whereby if I surrender, then God will…

I believe that if I begin to read between the text and put myself into the position of Abraham (sanctified imagination.. heh heh) then perhaps I can have a better understanding of what surrender truly entails…

You see, when God called to Abraham, he was told to sacrifice Isaac. What would be his thoughts and emotions? There must have been plenty of struggle. Isaac, I have to emphasize again, was LOVED DEARLY by Abraham. I believe that at the altar of sacrifice, when Abraham raised the knife. He died to all hopes of Isaac growing up, tending the flocks, growing to a strong man, marrying a wife, having grandbabies to carry. Should there be an alternate reality, Abraham would have obediently plunged the knife into Isaac. And walked back to the donkey and headed home. No more Isaac. Surrendered.

Back to my personal thoughts on false surrender.

I surrendered and placed my wishes and dreams upon the altar at breakthrough weekend, yet this morning, my thoughts harboured upon hopes that God would give it back to me in His own way. Then I realised that my surrender was incomplete. I have placed my hope on resurrecting a dream that was already at the altar. And this was what God said to me… “Son, when you surrendered your hope and dreams on the altar, stop hoping that I would give it back to you, instead place your hope on Me.

Went through some old emails that I wrote and which was kept in the archives of my mailbox, so happen to chance upon this email that dates way back in my uni days in Dec of 98′, I remember this…

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From: Kelvin Choo
To: Undisclosed Recipients

Hello all,

Peace and may God’s grace be shining upon you.

I hope that all is well with everyone. And I missed you guys in our regular meetings. Just want to wish all of you wonderful Christmas.

Here’s something I want to share.

I have a friend by the name of Casey. He is close friend of mine, and I got to know him through triathlon. He is a pretty good athlete. And he’s got such a passion for the sport of triathlon (for those who don’t know these are the crazy guys who swim, cycle and run). He’s quite a popular guy amongst his peers because he is always joking and laughing all the time. Though sometimes I would say the jokes are rather distasteful. Incidentally he is also a Christian (I would say not a very good example of salt and light of the world). And not quite as enthusiastic as a Christian as he should be an athlete.

His enthusiasm for the sport can be seen in the amount of reading he does regarding training. He consistently reads to equip himself with new training techniques. Hence it is not surprising that going into the sport for a mere short year, he has improved a lot and has done well in some of the races.

Being a close friend, I know him quite well. He was in fact training for an important race in the coming months. The Ironman Triathlon. I can say that it was really important to him. Most of the time he spoke of going to that race. In my opinion, I would say kinda obsessed with it even.

Anyway, recently, there was this camp that came up, (called the Bible Conference organized by the FES) so I actually invited him to go for it, it was a camp for Christians, him being one I decided to pull him to go along. After some difficult struggle of having to miss training, he finally relented and went for the camp. The camp was rather long (one full week) and after the camp I felt I gained much and felt that God has spoken to me, but for Casey, he something happened. I spoke to him and he told me that something is going to happen to him. He sounded very serious, I did not really know what he meant, and I just shrugged aside what he said. I wondered what he actually went through in the camp. He did not say much and kept to himself. He stopped training for a few days. And that was something very unusual.

Things didn’t seem right, so I called Casey up in his hostel room. No one picked up. I asked fellow triathletes if they had seen him. But no one did. Something must have gone wrong.

A few days after I last saw him, which was at the end of the camp. I received news that Casey was no more, he died. He no longer lives. He has become just a memory.

He was a dear friend and I will miss him…. Good bye friend…. Good bye Casey….

But what really happened to him during the camp, I guess I would be the only one to know. God touched his life, God spoke to him. And God changed him. I know because that was the final thing he said to me…

I know…. because I’m Casey.

God has changed my life. I’ve been given a new perspective to life, with a new passion, renewed faith and hope, He gave me renewed strength, courage to face up to difficulties and strongholds. God is real. I cannot deny Him. He has me set upon me a task, a really important task, and he calls me to a surrendered life. Gladly, Lord, I will follow you Lord. With all my heart and all my strength.

“I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.” Galatians 2:20

I understand this now….

Have a blessed Christmas!

Casey

aka KC (Kelvin Choo)

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